Jan 12, 2010

They Made Tom Watch...

Tom is my little brother (he's 24 and a shade over 6 foot tall, but he's my little brother). He works as a projectionist at a London cinema, and part of his job is to check the prints of new films before they screen to the public. After this he's asked to write a short review for the information of the staff.

When he sent me a few samples of these thoughts I laughed like a drain, so each week we're going to tell you what THEY MADE TOM WATCH

This week

What’s it about?
The improbably ugly Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant’s relationship is on the rocks (probably because she looks like a horse, and he’s not hideously unattractive). Then they witness a murder, and see the murderer’s face. Then Sergeant Carver from The Wire turns up in a really terribly awful turn. Then these two city slickers go off to the countryside and enjoy some fish-out-of-water comedy.

What did I think of it?
This film, in its unalterable dullness, has left my mind blank. It’s not so bad that I can tear it a new hole, nor is it any good. It is utterly without merit. It almost defies metaphor.
I said almost. It’s like porridge, or Weetabix, but without that vital injection of sugar or jam you lump on yourself [really it’s more like porridge, because at least Weetabix has the advantage of excellent portion control, which really is a boon. You see I have a portion control issue when it comes to breakfast (and most other meals for that matter) where I dramatically overpour vast amounts of cereal into my bowl, so that breakfast costs me £1.50 a morning, whereas Weetabix allowed me to take 2 a day (3 if my girlfriend wasn’t watching) and know I wasn’t ripping myself off. Which was nice.] And so you munch through the uninspiring mulch, knowing that it contains just the right amount of nutrition to keep you ticking over, but never offering any sort of taste explosion in the vein of Jordan’s Country Crisp [my new cereal of choice. To be enjoyed in a 1:2 mix with Bran Flakes (because she’s mental for bran) so that it reaches the level of an acceptably undisgustingly-sugary breakfast]

It must also be said that SJP is really, very ugly.

Who is it For?
Vapid couples so lost in their relationship they want a break from the awkward silence of their lives.

What is it like?
The Proposal.

Good Stuff
It isn’t shit.

Bad Stuff
Nor is it any good.
SJP’s horse-face.

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