NOTE: This post contains some very strong language.
2010 was a busy year for me, the busiest I’ve ever had in terms of the amount of new films I saw. For all of the following posts I’ve assessed as eligible those films that either showed at UK festivals or in UK cinemas between January 1st and December 18th, which I saw for the first time. For example, though both played at LFF 2009 and I saw DOGTOOTH at that festival, I was only able to see LOURDES on its 2010 cinema release, so DOGTOOTH was eligible for last year’s lists and awards, while LOURDES is eligible this year.
Over the next five days I’ll be revealing my highlights and lowlights of the year. We’ll start with a The runners up lists for the worst and the best films of the year films, then move on to the 24FPS awards for the year and finish up with the bottom and the top 10 of 2010. Enjoy, and Happy Holidays, whatever you’re celebrating.
There was plenty to choose from when attempting to sift through all the chaff that was vomited onto screens in 2010. These are some of the very worst, okay, they aren’t quite as toxic as the upcoming Bottom 10, but you should avoid these films with extreme prejudice. This list is in alphabetical order by title.
DIR: Anton Corbijn
THE AMERICAN is beautiful to look at, but for me it was like watching a slide show of George and Anton’s Italian holiday, while knowing exactly what each slide would show before it came up.
DIR: Clio Barnard
DIR: Todd Phillips
PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES, following Robert Downey, Jr’s utterly loathsome architect as he tries to get home for the birth of his child. ‘Jokes’ include wanking and multiple instances of assault (once on an 8 year old… FUNNY!!), and each one made one more little part of my soul die. Too many more films this depressing and I’m not only going to be in a care home, I’m going to be literally soulless.
DIR: Noah Baumbach
GREENBERG because I hated its title character so much. Roger Greenberg was such an insufferable cunt that not only did I want to punch him in the face, I was unable to buy any of the events of this film, largely because it didn’t show him living a totally miserable, friendless existence. More than the fact that I didn’t buy in to the drama (especially Greenberg’s relationship with Greta Gerwig’s charming Florence) it was the fact that I hated him so much that I just wanted to leave so that I no longer had to be around that twat.
DIR: Pascal Chaumeil
DIR: Christopher Nolan
INCEPTION has a huge amount of ideas, and spends such an endless amount of time explaining them (to little avail) that it forgets to have little things like characters worth caring about or a story that engages you. The whole film seemed like one huge McGuffin, which might have been fine if I gave a shit but, despite some decent performances, I just didn’t. I knew where it was going (down to calling the final shot) and was bored as it meandered its way there. I keep hearing that Chris Nolan is THE great filmmaker of our time, but all I see is an emperor with no clothes on.
DIR: Alexandre Aja
HAUTE TENSION, gobbled up by the Hollywood remake machine. This, his third remake on the trot, is an horrendous version of Joe Dante’s silly, but effective, JAWS parody from 1978. Aja substitutes the wit of Dante for hideously unfunny jokes, boobs (lots and lots of boobs) and overblown gore, all delivered in sub par converted 3D. This is, apparently, what is now regarded as progress. Somebody kill me.
DIR: Ridley Scott
GLADIATOR to early medieval England in this unfathomably boring prequel, which feels about as much like Robin Hood as MONSTERS INC. feels like The Three Musketeers. The sole interest lies in trying to figure out from Crowe’s globetrotting accent where Robin is supposed to come from and in seeing whether Oscar Issac, as King John, can possibly keep continuing to find new pieces of scenery to chew in every scene (yes, by the way). There’s just no excuse for a Robin Hood movie this boring.
DIR: Sofia Coppola
SOMEWHERE is essentially LOST IN TRANSLATION: Redux, only with an even more slappable main character. We’re actually expected to sympathise with Stephen Dorff’s bored movie star, I just wanted to scream DO SOMETHING at him, because a good hour of this movie consists of scenes of Dorff’s character sitting around doing nothing. The closest SOMEWHERE comes to an action scene is when Dorff and Fanning play Guitar Hero and, lucky us, we get to see the whole song. It’s a film about nothing, and is even more dull than that makes it sound.
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
DIR: David Slade
Fuck. I’m depressed already, and these aren’t even the bottom 10.